alongside my normal yearly christmas festivities and end-of-year reflection, i caught the terrible bug that everyone in this city seems to have, and i tell you, i haven't been this down and out for this long in my adult life. (i took less time off of normal activity when i was hit by a car last year.) i'm of the opinion that i caught a pretty nasty bug, yes, but it hit me as hard as it did because i'm more susceptible now than i have been in my adult life.
i'm almost three years into this experiment i call being a full-time artist. if i break this down to the constraints imposed by my past and present lifestyles, this means i went from working sixty hours a week plus at a job that engaged me mentally but didn't fulfill me, to working on projects that are endlessly challenging and utterly fulfilling; i took a salary cut of more than 65% and a rent increase of approximately the same; creative work went from being my weeknight/weekend release to being my near-daily focus. these are choices i made willingly, and i would make them over and over again. i am not complaining about my choice to leave a career path that promised financial stability - i worked hard for that job and in that path, and i'm grateful every day for the skills, education, and support i've been given throughout my twenty-six years. if stability was the priority, i could have it. i have the tools.
but it's not, and i don't, and that's okay. i live in brooklyn in a small rented apartment that i adore. i budget every penny i earn, and i make choices that i feel good about (i have an iphone and an old macbook, i buy groceries to cook interesting things and eating out is a special occasion, i bought myself two pairs of leggings and three pairs of socks as my fall/winter 2012 clothing allowance, i debate heavily about whether or not i'm sick enough to pay the $50 insurance copay to go to urgent care). i'm young, i'm mostly healthy, i am only supporting myself, and i'm actually pretty proud of myself for making it all work.
i was prepared for this to be difficult. i was not prepared for how deeply exhausting this is. i am, for our intents and purposes, pretty disciplined, energetic, motivated, and i generally feel powerful in the decisions i make for myself. my beliefs about finance and the economy are a little more conservative than they statistically are likely to be, and i do feel that it is my job to figure this stuff out for myself. there was an article floating around during election time that resonated with me. it focuses on personal responsibility (that conservative ideal that appeals to me) and how cognitively exhausting it is to be poor, and it goes on to say that the wealthy often don't understand the constant barrage of choices and weighing priorities that people living in poverty are going through.
now let's be real: i had a pretty darn privileged childhood and adolescence, and i live a pretty great life right now. i'm not claiming to be really on either end of this. i haven't wallowed in wealth and i haven't been hit hard by poverty - i have always lived somewhere in the middle. what i have noticed, though, is a distinct shift in how much energy it takes to operate day-to-day, just in different parts of that middle.
in chicago i used to use my spare time getting drinks with friends, going to dance classes and the gym, and navigating my way through self-producing dance work, fronting the money from my savings and paying myself back in ticket sales. now, all i want to do in my spare time is sit quietly and just not think. i used to have all this motivation to chase dreams in my free time. now, more and more, i am just trying to find a way to give myself a break. the creative ideas are still there - i do believe i am honing my voice as an artist and getting ever closer to work that is authentically what i'm going for.
it is just ridiculously, prohibitively exhausting to churn them out.
this shift in energy wears me out, stresses me out, and i believe made me extra susceptible to the nasty virus i'm getting over. but most of all, it confuses me. it's a paradigm shift. i've always been able to count on a determined spirit and creative energy in myself, and now it's getting buried with "can i pay for this dance class and still be able to buy enough food next week?" my energy and decision-making abilities have been nearly depleted by day-to-day life, so i feel confused about my career, my art, myself.
so what to do? how do i remain effective as an artist, a friend, an employee? how do i be the person i want to be? how do i not sleep twelve hours a night and watch Say Yes to the Dress all day? well, my friends, i don't know. but i'm going to try focusing on the things i consider non-negotiable.
the person i want to be - the person i am - is generous with time, attention, talent, money. the person i
so i'm going to go with that. things are going to feel confusing, and i'm going to figure it out. i'm also going to go with a little generosity towards myself. i'm going to say the fact that, 8 days into 2013, i'm already torn up with worry about this being the year everyone says "gee that jaema really had something going but she just fell apart" means i probably still have enough energy left to make some sh*t happen this year, no?
Jaema, While I don't know you very well; we've only taken a handful of dance classes together--but this post and your description of your struggles and questions totally resonates with me and certainly many artists in nyc. You should be extremely proud of yourself; please know that taking breaks (even if they feel self-indulgent or even sick or depressing) is good for you, perhaps necessary -- and when you are not "doing" things you are still working/exploring, even if you don't feel you are. I think you have always been the person you want to be and you will continue to be more of that person, so long as you simply engage in what excites you in this life. It IS exhausting. There's no way around it. I'm trying to figure it out too. Keep talking about it and stay connected with your artist/dancing community. You are young---you have so much to explore. You even have time to fall apart, and maybe that will be part of your experience, and it's ok. You will come out and move on and create. It's very hard. Thank you for articulating your experience and thoughts--it helps us all!
ReplyDeleteThank you Stephanie! Writing about the ups and downs of this adventure is a really helpful process for me and it's heartening to know that it resonates with others as well! Thanks for your encouragement!
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