getting uncomfortably uncomfortable

i'm working on this project.  it's one of those pieces of art that's about art.  i never thought i'd make one of those.  but here i am.  the thesis question is "what holds you back from making the kind of art you want to make?"

now, the more appropriate question might be "what doesn't hold you back," but i digress.  despite the news about struggling dance institutions, lack of public funding for dance, lack of time, lack of space, 99.9999% of what holds us back is us.  we all know that. and that's what i'm interested in.

so i've boldly set out creating a dance film (a medium i've never worked in before) to explore a creative-process narrative (subject matter i've never danced about before) with a sports-media-video-journalist (who i've never worked with before and has never filmed dance before) incorporating more improvisation and less rehearsal than i've ever worked with before.  all in the name of NEW ART. and PUSHING MYSELF.

and you know what?  i hate it.

in rehearsal today i felt confused, frustrated, unclear as a director, uncertain if i should be doing this project at all, unsure i can pull it off/do it justice, embarrassed, sorry for my dancers, and sluggish.  for the whole two hours.

pretty sure i can see the discomfort in my eyes even here.  it was that kind of a day.

i like to play the part of a high-minded artist.  it turns out, i feel a lot better when i'm engineering-school-prepared.  but i mean, that's not really a surprise.  and when i decided to try this very un-jaema creative process, throwing myself into things i don't know, i knew it was going to be uncomfortable. that was the point! and still, STILL, when discomfort creeps up during the artmaking, i freak out.  i knew this was coming, and somehow i expected the awareness to be enough to fight off the anxiety and allow me to create freely.  it doesn't work.

so here i am, slouched on my couch on a wednesday night, stressing about rehearsal in the morning and two filming sessions next week.  i see three options.

1. i cancel everything.

2. i get out a notebook and do what i've always done for every piece i create... write out everything that happens.  stage directions.  choreography notes.  music cues.  i go to rehearsal comfortable, prepared, and confident.

3. i show up to rehearsal tomorrow with an open mind, plow through the blegh in my mind, film a bunch of stuff next week, and hope for the best.

okay, so, we throw out number one, because it's totally lame.  now number two... is very tempting.  i know how that works.  i'm pretty good at that one.  but how do i create something completely different and completely new and completely uncontrolled if i do what i've always done?  alrighty, so number three.  that's a scary option, because it didn't work today at all.  and how smart is it to walk into rehearsal tomorrow with the same kind of preparation (lots of thought, not a lot of specifics) that i had today, knowing how it turned out?

i suppose my bigger question is: how useful is the discomfort i feel?  is the battle about letting go of control (which i consider positive for this project)?  or is it discomfort of ill-preparedness and therefore mediocrity?  am i so trapped in these questions that i'm not even creative anymore?  is this really even my project?  is it really even dance?

who knows.  i'm not sure.  for now, i commit to you, internet, to lean into the confusion and see how it goes.  fortunately, the only thing i am certain of happens to be my definition of an artist - i refuse option number one.  over and over again, i refuse it.