it was a conversation that, in many variations, has happened more or less daily since i began dancing in new york. it has the key ingredients of "callback," "type," "actually have technique," "prepared," and is peppered with questions, advice, and commiserating. often with a twinge of bitterness. with varying degrees of ironic self-awareness.
there exists in this city, more than any other environment i've been in, a sense of the musical as the holy grail - and broadway as the ultimate goal, of course - but the musical in general automatically trumps any other sort of performance or art.
i kinda think it's bullshit.
don't get me wrong - i am dazzled by the stage. there is incredible work being done there, and if someone handed me a contract to dance in a broadway show i'd take it in half a heartbeat. but i just can't subscribe to the view that THAT IS IT. that's the only thing worth shooting for. (granted, that's the only thing you really get paid well for, but that's another issue entirely.) and i definitely cannot subscribe to the view that real artists, real dancers, are the ones who are busting their butts in dance calls every day. that's a tough lifestyle and an incredible lifestyle and i know so many people who are doing just that because they love it. and i can't support them enough! but the truth is, there are real dancers at auditions, there are real dancers in shows, on tours, on cruise ships, in class next to you, in a loft in the west village improvising, in music videos, backing up pop stars, showing work in a janky festival in brooklyn, etc etc etc.
the prevailing view of the broadway stage as the only worthwhile endeavor is really hard to resist sometimes - it sucks dancers in, and the lame part is that it's bound to make you feel bad. almost every day, every time one of these conversations come up, i hear the buzzing in my brain asking why i didn't go to that audition, why haven't i pushed myself like that, i've never gotten a job from an audition, am i wasting my early 20s? and that's where the artist's fight comes in (complete with a quote from that book you all know i'm obsessed with):
The warrior and the artist live by the same code of necessity,
which dictates that the battle must be fought anew every day.
(Stephen Pressfield, The War of Art)
the battle we're talking about is the battle of creating. of being a self-assured working artist. the self-doubt that comes with that "i'm not doing the right thing" attitude is just not helpful to anyone. the facts for me are: i've performed more often than i've auditioned since i moved here. creating work in my bedroom is more fulfilling to me as an artist than nailing down the best vocal coach. i personally would rather soak up as much as possible from dance artists around me in classes, auditions, workshops, and playing in the studio than tour with a new musical. i may not ever dance on broadway. and that's actually just fine; it doesn't mean that i am, or anyone is, more or less an artist or a dancer than anyone else.
here's to the whole artist - the artist you are in class on tuesday afternoon, the artist you are over a glass of wine with friends, and the artist you are when you're in your second callback for a regional tour.
Jaema, this is a great post, and even though I'll never be able to call myself any type of artist I could still relate to it. I think that in any environment - professional, personal, or otherwise - there is the "elite stereotype" that everyone at some point strives to attain, or wonders if they're "not worthy" because they're not at the so-called "elite" level. But whose to say you're not accomplishing great things, just because you're not fulfilling the definition of success that someone else defined? The most important thing is setting your mind to what YOU think is successful and then aiming for that.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the great work, buddy. You are already a star, and you proved that just by moving out to NYC to pursue your dreams!
- K