Two weeks ago, I was nailing a petit allegro in class, relishing how strong and healthy my body feels -- I just ran a marathon! I just choreographed and performed in a dance film! -- when I landed on my left foot, felt a twist, heard a snap, and felt that sick-to-your-stomach-adrenaline-this-is-not-nothing feeling rush over me.
When the doctor brought in my x-ray results, I wanted to laugh. (What I really did was burst into tears and start apologizing for being so dramatic.... typical.)
So here I am, sitting in a coffee shop in Brooklyn, broken foot in a cast propped up in front of me. Spending the majority of 2014 and 2015 injured is not really what I expected in my late 20's... I've been fortunate; in my first twenty-two years of dancing, I was injured twice. Now I've doubled my number.
There has been much written about dancers and athletes and what injuries mean to us and, more specifically, to the ways we identify ourselves, and I won't add anything profound to that conversation. In fact, I've never solely identified myself as "DANCER," not because I didn't want to, but because somehow I always felt I had to compensate for my perceived lack of talent by being proficient at other things. (There are a million psychological strands in that we could explore, but let's just take it at face value for now.) Additionally, at this point in my career, I'm much more interested in the creative process than in churning out pirouettes - thank goodness. So in a way I've spared myself some the fraught emotional response to a loss of personal identity.
But for as long as I can remember, I've felt strong, physically capable, independent, and I've allowed that to be a surprisingly large part of my identity. I've grown into a don't-mess-with-me kind of lady. I'm embarrassed to share how this applies in my everyday life. It shows up physically-- I silently feel superior when my coworkers are surprised I carried a clothing rack by myself, I love the look of surprised neighbors when I carry my bike up to our third-floor walkup, I always walk briskly on escalators when I'm by myself, etc. It shows up in my work -- you can count on me for a deadline, even if it's not great for me or anyone else. It shows up in my personal life -- last Christmas I was so determined to be home with my family that we rented a car and drove 5 hours through a blizzard after our flight was delayed, and arrived at 4am on Christmas morning (and I got the esophagus ulcer to prove it).
The obvious lesson in there is to slow down. There have been wonderful pieces written about that, too, about the Western cultural drive to work-work-work, about the folly of going hard in your youth. I don't need to add to that conversation either. Injuries teach us to be patient, to slow down, to step back. We know this.
The thing is, I really thought I learned that last year. Like, really took it in. I took my time. I was patient with physical therapy. I was careful to mix up my impact days when I was marathon training. (I was marathon training, though, and I'm ruefully self-aware about how that sounds.) I've been taking a hard look at what there is for me, this time around.
Here's what I notice, from this chair, in this coffee shop. A part of my life, a big part of it, is missing right now. I can't dance, I can't run around in the park, I can't climb stairs two at a time. I know that's temporary. And in the meantime, I can be creative. I can contribute in a big way to my job with my intellectual work. I can cook new recipes. I can take silly instagram pictures of New York. I can connect with my friends, my family, people on the street. There's art to see, there's this wonderful guy I get to hang out with, there's music to listen to, there's writing to do, there are new places to see, there are books to read, and I'm getting pretty good at fishtail hair braids. There are all these other bits of my identity that seem to swell up for me to take the space of the movement I crave.
An inspiring and wonderful friend of mine tattooed this quote on her body: "Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit." (Bernard Shaw) Our spirit expands, bounces back, stretches.
What I notice is that my life is not "less full" right now. Our lives are constantly overflowing with possibility and fullness. When one part is suddenly gone, we notice it, of course, and we miss it, but we can sweetly set it aside, and if we look closer at our lives... we find that they are still more than full. They are still overflowing with juicy poignant bittersweet joy, if we look for it. I've discovered that my work is to see myself and others not as full of "ors," strong or weak, healthy or injured, creative or intellectual, active or sedentary, smart or beautiful or funny, but rather made up of "ands" -- dancer and choreographer and wife and engineer and daughter and amateur chef and friend and and and and and... Each piece is whole in itself, and an individual is made up of a million wholes that we each choose for ourselves now, and now, and now, and now.
July 15, 2015
March 24, 2015
embracing the unknown & come see us dance!
here's the thing. everyone likes to think of the dance world as a series of auditions, directors falling in love with the girl in blue, and getting the job. and yes, there's plenty of that. but 99% of the work i've done -- both as a dancer and as a choreographer -- has been through friends and colleagues. i most often create work on people i've danced with before.
so when the opportunity presented itself to choreograph for The Tank's xyz nyc, i had some butterflies. the whole schtick is that you create a piece from nothing, in one week. i didn't even get to meet my dancers until last thursday.
there's also both a theme and a challenge. the piece's theme is to be "an oasis in the desert." and the challenge is to include "imperfect repetition," or phrases that the audience recognizes, but something has changed.
interesting, right?
first of all, i love this stuff. i love being given a prompt, and i love a structural challenge. it feels a little like school, but i'm down. i think creativity within unusual constraints allows artists to make choices they might not otherwise make. i knew i could create something in a week. i just wasn't sure whether i'd want to tell anyone about it.
but here i am!
i have two wonderful dancer-collaborators who were willing to dive into this with me -- letting me email rehearsal locations mere hours before rehearsal, improvising with me after barely learning each others' names, and taking my movement onto their bodies with grace and openness. what a gift! and how interesting, for me, to see how articulate i am when i show and explain my movement... these dancers have literally zero context around me and my movement, and i have to make it clear, fast. concision and clarity are of the essence!
also, let's talk for a minute about last-minute rehearsal space in new york city. it gets sketch. but there's something about meeting with artists you barely know in weird little spaces you've never been in that feels very... new york. and the unknown is magic, don't you think?
because i always love feedback, i crowdsourced some thematic inspiration. i asked the question "what do you wish you could get a break from?" on my facebook page, and let the masses (of my friends, heh) do what they will. every response made it into the piece in some way.
if you want to know how, you'll have to come!
thursday, march 26th 2015, 8pm
the tank
151 w 46th street, 8th floor
$10
...and you can even vote for me. i could win!
so when the opportunity presented itself to choreograph for The Tank's xyz nyc, i had some butterflies. the whole schtick is that you create a piece from nothing, in one week. i didn't even get to meet my dancers until last thursday.
there's also both a theme and a challenge. the piece's theme is to be "an oasis in the desert." and the challenge is to include "imperfect repetition," or phrases that the audience recognizes, but something has changed.
interesting, right?
first of all, i love this stuff. i love being given a prompt, and i love a structural challenge. it feels a little like school, but i'm down. i think creativity within unusual constraints allows artists to make choices they might not otherwise make. i knew i could create something in a week. i just wasn't sure whether i'd want to tell anyone about it.
but here i am!
i have two wonderful dancer-collaborators who were willing to dive into this with me -- letting me email rehearsal locations mere hours before rehearsal, improvising with me after barely learning each others' names, and taking my movement onto their bodies with grace and openness. what a gift! and how interesting, for me, to see how articulate i am when i show and explain my movement... these dancers have literally zero context around me and my movement, and i have to make it clear, fast. concision and clarity are of the essence!
also, let's talk for a minute about last-minute rehearsal space in new york city. it gets sketch. but there's something about meeting with artists you barely know in weird little spaces you've never been in that feels very... new york. and the unknown is magic, don't you think?
because i always love feedback, i crowdsourced some thematic inspiration. i asked the question "what do you wish you could get a break from?" on my facebook page, and let the masses (of my friends, heh) do what they will. every response made it into the piece in some way.
if you want to know how, you'll have to come!thursday, march 26th 2015, 8pm
the tank
151 w 46th street, 8th floor
$10
...and you can even vote for me. i could win!
February 10, 2015
a love letter to northwestern university
this weekend i had the pleasure of visiting my alma mater, northwestern university. my husband's new musical had a reading hosted by the theatre department, which was a very cool full-circle moment, and we were excited to visit our old haunts (especially since we were there at the same time but didn't know each other until the last minute)!
and visit them we did -- old apartment buildings, old coffee and bagel shops, the best crab rangoon in evanston, etc. it was poignant and nostalgic, because as everyone knows, you can't really ever go back. evanston used to feel epic -- right next to a big city! home to one of the best schools in the country! the manifestation of the freedom of being eighteen years old! coming from new york, it suddenly seemed quiet, with cozy low buildings and wide open streets. the change in perspective threw into relief how far from my undergraduate years i really am.
i was extremely privileged to have such a college experience, and i loved it. i loved making my own schedule, staying out until 3am, sleeping late, living with my girlfriends. i loved love big ten football. i loved wearing sweatpants every day and drinking enough coffee to keep me studying until dawn. those things are a wonderful part of the american university experience, and i honestly cherished every minute of it.
but (cheese alert) ... northwestern shaped my adult experience in much deeper ways.
i went in, smart and arrogant and self-centered, and simultaneously unsure, open-minded, and honestly looking to learn.
it was the first time i created my own identity. it was my first chance to claim "i'm good at this, and i love this, and this is what i want to do." (it also forced me to acknowledge the things i was not good at, like achieving anything higher than a C in general chemistry, or, y'know, being cool.) i was surrounded by peers doing the exact same thing. professors saw my potential before i did, and gently guided me to discover it for myself and to shape that identity into a life.
it was at northwestern that i choreographed my first dance. (and my second, after which my dance comp professor joyfully declared i wasn't "a one-trick pony!") northwestern dance looked at me as a whole artist - a performer, a choreographer, and a scholar.
northwestern engineering looked at me like a vessel of potential to change the world. a woman, a technically proficient mind, an engineer.
before this weekend's visit, i reached out last-minute to six of my professors, to see if i could stop in and say hello. not only did they remember who i was, they all wrote me back within the day and carved time out of their day to sit down with me. all of them! i was floored by their generosity. and one by one, as i sat in their offices at TI, at Tech, at the Ford building, each of them looked me in the eye as an empowered adult, as a fellow artist and professional in the world. this isn't an anomaly -- this is what it is to be a student. this is the generosity they showed me when i was enrolled, and the generosity they showed thousands of other undergrads, quarter after quarter.
i can't quite articulate why this was so profound for me, but the rote assumption-- still-- is that i'm a bona fide artist. the assumption is that i'm an industrial engineer. i didn't have to explain anything, or apologize for anything. my teachers saw me (now as then) as 100% artist and 100% engineer, because i did the work and it's who i am. not half-and-half. not faking it. not "used to be."
it doesn't matter that none of my job titles right now has the word "engineer" in it. it doesn't matter that i'm not in the studio creating physical work each and every day. to a dance professor whose career i so admire, i said something like "well, i'm trying to make a go of it!" and he said "no, the doing it is the thing. you're doing it. this is it." an industrial engineering professor of mine said (as if it were obvious) "you always liked to choreograph." and we laughed, because of course i did! industrial engineering and design is maybe the most "social" form of engineering. we use technical tools to create social and human insights. we create new solutions to existing challenges. and isn't that what artists do? engineer new works to create connections and offer questions/solutions? so how disparate are these interests of mine, anyway?
northwestern offered me the self-confidence and the humility to contribute what i have, right now, and trust that it's good, and enough, and it isn't constrained by "should."
going back and catching up with those generous, wonderful people i was surrounded with for four years allowed me to see my experience again through that lens; i am unapologetically an engineer, an artist, and a human being with valuable things to contribute to the world.
and that's the important bit, right? i can so viscerally remember what it was to be 22 and to not know. but i was trusted to make a difference. and now i'm 28 and i still don't know. but i can still make a difference. and what does it do to my life and my relationships to assume that everyone i pass on the street also doesn't know -- and to trust the endless potential of each individual?
this isn't unique to northwestern. i know that. but those four years were a powerful gift for me in discovering who i am, and who i want to be, and revisiting helped me recommit.
(go 'cats.)
and visit them we did -- old apartment buildings, old coffee and bagel shops, the best crab rangoon in evanston, etc. it was poignant and nostalgic, because as everyone knows, you can't really ever go back. evanston used to feel epic -- right next to a big city! home to one of the best schools in the country! the manifestation of the freedom of being eighteen years old! coming from new york, it suddenly seemed quiet, with cozy low buildings and wide open streets. the change in perspective threw into relief how far from my undergraduate years i really am.
 |
| part of the walk from the dance building to the engineering building (i did that a lot.) |
but (cheese alert) ... northwestern shaped my adult experience in much deeper ways.
i went in, smart and arrogant and self-centered, and simultaneously unsure, open-minded, and honestly looking to learn.
it was the first time i created my own identity. it was my first chance to claim "i'm good at this, and i love this, and this is what i want to do." (it also forced me to acknowledge the things i was not good at, like achieving anything higher than a C in general chemistry, or, y'know, being cool.) i was surrounded by peers doing the exact same thing. professors saw my potential before i did, and gently guided me to discover it for myself and to shape that identity into a life.
it was at northwestern that i choreographed my first dance. (and my second, after which my dance comp professor joyfully declared i wasn't "a one-trick pony!") northwestern dance looked at me as a whole artist - a performer, a choreographer, and a scholar.
 |
| northwestern's technological institute. |
before this weekend's visit, i reached out last-minute to six of my professors, to see if i could stop in and say hello. not only did they remember who i was, they all wrote me back within the day and carved time out of their day to sit down with me. all of them! i was floored by their generosity. and one by one, as i sat in their offices at TI, at Tech, at the Ford building, each of them looked me in the eye as an empowered adult, as a fellow artist and professional in the world. this isn't an anomaly -- this is what it is to be a student. this is the generosity they showed me when i was enrolled, and the generosity they showed thousands of other undergrads, quarter after quarter.
i can't quite articulate why this was so profound for me, but the rote assumption-- still-- is that i'm a bona fide artist. the assumption is that i'm an industrial engineer. i didn't have to explain anything, or apologize for anything. my teachers saw me (now as then) as 100% artist and 100% engineer, because i did the work and it's who i am. not half-and-half. not faking it. not "used to be."
 |
| ford motor company engineering design building, northwestern university |
northwestern offered me the self-confidence and the humility to contribute what i have, right now, and trust that it's good, and enough, and it isn't constrained by "should."going back and catching up with those generous, wonderful people i was surrounded with for four years allowed me to see my experience again through that lens; i am unapologetically an engineer, an artist, and a human being with valuable things to contribute to the world.
and that's the important bit, right? i can so viscerally remember what it was to be 22 and to not know. but i was trusted to make a difference. and now i'm 28 and i still don't know. but i can still make a difference. and what does it do to my life and my relationships to assume that everyone i pass on the street also doesn't know -- and to trust the endless potential of each individual?
this isn't unique to northwestern. i know that. but those four years were a powerful gift for me in discovering who i am, and who i want to be, and revisiting helped me recommit.
(go 'cats.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)